I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
