I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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