you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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