Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i will never coherently bang her
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
