why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
