I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
