How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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