The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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