A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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