i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
