Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
