i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
