I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
