I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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