its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
