did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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