my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
