$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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