Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
