I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
