he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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