Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize