either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
