What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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