Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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