I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
