i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
