Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
