it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
