Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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