Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
