It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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