hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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