what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
