dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my being single is dangerous.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
