Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dignity is for republicans.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
