you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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