does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
