My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
