I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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