Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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