roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
