I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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