I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
