That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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