We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
