Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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