I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
