I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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