why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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