For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
