I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
