look no pants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
