I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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