I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
