eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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